I’ve done plenty of stupid things in my time, hopefully none of them with lasting damage or with malicious intent, but certainly I have made bad judgements and bad decisions. My latest one was last week, when, after Miss Swallow’s excellent assembly and brilliantly run Citizenship morning, I said I thought I should give an assembly on positive masculinity. I’ve been panicking ever since. For a start, if I am honest with you, I can’t stand that phrase. I am not entirely sure why: being positive can’t be a bad thing, surely? It is a wonderful way to live and get the very most out of life! No, it is the word masculinity which unnerves me – what on earth does it mean? And, perhaps particularly, I can’t help but being just a little frustrated that that this phrase “positive masculinity” is necessary at all: It’s almost as if simply being male—i.e., half of the world’s population—means we require a lesson in positivity.
So weirdly, I think the reason why that phrase grates with me is that the very thing that the drive for ‘positive masculinity’ seeks to achieve – the breaking down of stereotypes, and the acceptance of, and respect for, all – is almost the opposite of the feelings that the phrase itself engenders.
Anyway, I said I would give an assembly on it, so I will. You will all know that one of our key drivers here at school is for you all to be ‘good men’ when you are older. We have never defined that word ‘good’ and nor do I aim to do so, for the simple reason that I think you all know what it means to be good. The biggest challenge, though, and it really is a challenge, is to actually be good. You all know that to respect one another is a good trait; to look after those in need; to be honest and kind; to be polite and welcoming both to friends and strangers; to seek to lift those around you and be a caring friend; to help the elderly to cross the road; to give to charity and so on and so on. We all know, almost instinctively, but also in the way we grow up and in the way you are educated here, that all these things are good. The challenge is actually being like that. So, why is it a challenge?
Well, there are an enormous number of reasons, in a whole range of different contexts, but I think at least one large part of the answer lies in competitiveness and in a need to be the best, or at least feel that you are better than the person alongside you – being more popular, being in better teams, being invited to more parties, going to a better university, being more muscular.
Now I want to say to you today that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being competitive – but there is everything wrong with the way some people go about it. If you want to be the best footballer in the world, or mathematician, or be invited to the most parties, you do not need to trample over others, or gloat over them, or put them down, or tease them – you simply need to practice hard (and usually over a long period of time) at being really good at what you do! You can encourage others, sympathise with others, enjoy each other’s success, and still be super competitive. That, it seems to me, is what the nub of positive masculinity tries to teach: take some stereotypical masculine traits, for instance competitiveness – and use them positively. It is not saying that all men are competitive, nor are all women uncompetitive (nor are all men negative or all women positive) – it is quite simply asking us to use some of our strengths in a positive way. And if you are not competitive, or don’t have muscles or hate football, you, too, can also be positively masculine in other ways! You will all have completely different strengths; and you must take time to celebrate all types of strengths and not just the ones that matter to you personally.
So, I am going to simply give three examples of positive masculinity I have come across this week: two from school and one from outside school.
The first is from a letter I received from a lady in Nottingham just yesterday. It said this:
Dear Mr Hodgson,
My mother is in Elcombe Care home on de Parys Avenue and I visit her every couple of weeks. When I visited last week, I was greeted by 3 of your boys playing Snakes and Ladders with Mum and another resident. I was so touched by what I witnessed. Mum is in the latter stages of Alzheimer’s Disease but she was so happy and smiley in the company of your lads, and they treated her so gently and respectfully that I felt I must write to say thank you and what a credit they were/are to you. I don’t know their names, but please pass on the thanks of myself and my sisters. We are truly grateful for this kindness. Thank you for allowing your boys to play such a valuable part in the lives of our old folk.
Yours sincerely, etc
That speaks for itself – and wonderfully so. That said, caring for others is too often seen (and understandably, given the statistics) as a female thing – but we all can and should be brilliant at it, too. So well done to those boys.
Second example – school singing. I love your whole school singing. You sing confidently, yet respectfully; loudly, but not boorishly; and, well, pretty musically for the most part! You sing as a communal activity, and you trust one another enough to join in and play your part. There are no egos in this. Boarders singing is one of my favourite 20 minutes in the week, and I really could not be more proud of the Chapel Choir. To have 50 boys in the choir, turning out every Sunday evening, as well as rehearsing three or four times a week, is really special. “Take that, Mr Tate, and your friends” is what I say!
Lastly, a non-school based example. I listened to the Europa League Final on the radio two night ago, as I was travelling back in the car from a governor meeting in Oxford. I am not sure that football (outside Bedford School, of course) always gives the best examples of positive masculinity. In fact, very often it gives the opposite. It always frustrates me at the end of matches how triumphalism takes over, in cup finals especially – unlike rugby, you rarely see the opposing players go to each other immediately after the final whistle in a big game, to congratulate and commiserate with one another. The winning team usually runs straight towards their fans and dances in the glory; the losing team sinks to their knees in their individual and collective grief and then slinks away quietly and disconsolately. On Wednesday night, the players did broadly that again, sadly. However, in the background, a young 18 year old lad called Archie Gray, one of the Spurs subs, who came on towards the end of the game, left his own players and went straight to the Manchester end of the pitch and walked around every opposing player individually with what I can only imagine was a quiet word of consolation. Just a brilliant bit of positive masculinity – standing up against accepted norms in a very male and very public environment, and doing the right thing. You don’t reach the level of performance that Archie has done in your chosen sport if you are not competitive, but that young man showed many older men how it should be done.
So, to end with, a few tips:
- Pick your role models wisely – you have brilliant ones here, on the staff body, right in front of you.
- Don’t ever think there is a perfect form of masculinity. There are a thousand brilliant forms of it; and we have a thousand boys in the school – so you can all set great examples.
- You all know the difference between right and wrong. Try to be honest when you get it wrong, and don’t be afraid to ask for help.
- Treat other people how you would like to be treated yourself, whether they are girl, boy, man, woman, old, young, rich, poor. Be a good boy, good man, good brother, good son, good husband.
- And lastly, I asked my own wife this week what she thought positive masculinity was all about. She simply said, “Work hard, play hard, be kind.” – which is what I ask you do to at the beginning of each year; and which, after all is said and done, sounds about right to me.
